Stuff Slasher Saw

This is a story which I had to write for an English assignment.
Please email me at talktome@stuffslashersaw.com if any plot holes or gramatical errors are found, or use the 'Contact me' button at the top of the page.

The pet I would most like to keep

The pet I would most like to keep would have to be the little known Legged Newt.
The Legged Newt comes in many different shapes and sizes, and I would love to have a large, blueish-greenish one, of the Phacek Variety. I believe that this type of Legged Newt is the most interesting of any creature, as it has more legs then the Hairy Spiderbaby, bigger eyes then the Blunderbeast and is more intelligent then the Barnaby Fish. From this information alone, I'm sure that you will have figured out that this is quite an amazing creature, worthy of ownership.
The Legged Newt, (or Philosophical Fish as it is known as in the scientific community) is most well known for its amazing scales. When in complete darkness, the scales, it has been said, rapidly change colors, mimicking which ever television channel its finely tuned ears can pick up. Of course, this has never been proven, due to the levels of darkness required, but it is stated in the “Olde booke f. Other Wuduldy Monsteres” (Scientific ACME journal, 1782) and I feel that such an expert on pseudo-animals such as Dr. Scott Hutchins should not be ignored.
The Legged Newt is a frog-shaped animal, which on first sight, may be mistaken for one of its cousins. But on further analyses, it may be found that the Newt has many legs on its underside, which it uses to catch algae as it swims through its Norwegian waters. Its pearl white eyes cover almost its entire head, leaving just enough room for the tiny slit which is its mouth. Its nose is on the underside of its front right-hand leg, and its ears on either side of its fat, slightly slimy body. About the size of a good long book, it can weigh anything up to one kilogram. They can be so heavy in-fact, that there is a story which says that none other then JR had been killed by a falling one. This story has yet to be included in any sort of research.

“Olde booke f. Other Wuduldy Monsteres”
-From ravens claws and lions bite,
Nothing May kill the walking newt.
On the last of days, last of nights
It shall survive, and eat its fruit.

This poem by the Dr. tries to convey the hardiness of the Legged newt. By using its many armer plates, it can withstand the forces at play when a fifty pound weight, measuring 15cm cubed, hits the ground from a hight of 17.5 meters. It lives by eating, and only eating, the special type of strawberry which can only be found in the marshes of Norway. The Legged Newt is a distant relative to the cockroach, and while looking almost completely different to its cousin, it has gained only one trait which scientists have found so far: the uncanny ability to survive in any conditions. So long as there is a supply of at least one strawberry every two months, the Legged Newt can outlive any other creature. Newts have been found at the secret location of Norway s “Doomsday device” (which they plan on announcing this Monday) which has been laid down with all sorts of poisons and traps designed to kill off any creature which may cause the end of the earth by biting through a wire or exploding near the device. (This very problem had been encountered during testing, when a Boombat acquired a snuffly nose near the testing area. Only three out of the nine scientists survived the blast. Fortunately there was no explosive in the device, or I would not be here to write this entry into my journal)
The intelligence of the Legged Newt is known world-wide by those who study pseudo-animals. In recent laboratory tests, not only has the Legged Newt shown amazing maze solving skills, but due to its large amount of legs, it can easily use sign language to communicate with its keepers.
In Norway s largest research facility for these types of creatures, “NLRFTC”, it has been shown that this amazing creature is capable of holding a small and uncomplicated conversation with a keeper, or person otherwise knowing the special form of sign language called “Legspeak”. Most of these conversations start with a keeper making a sign for
“What would you like to do today?”
and the Legged Newt, so intent on survival, will almost always reply
“Eat strawberry.”
On rare occasions, the conversation has been drawn out as to what strawberry out of ten the Newt would like, and the largest and most juicy one is almost always chosen. After eating their fill of strawberries, the Newt may be inclined to rest, and take part in activities such as playing “4 in a row” and “tic tac toe”.

While sleeping, the Legged Newt is the only discovered animal in the world which, completely naturally, and from the day that they are born, change what is happening in their dreams. They may act out a scene from a favorite Shakespeare play, but more often then not are found sleeping under a particularly high up strawberry, and are contemplating the best way to reach it.

There has been much speculation about how the Legged Newt came to be such an amazing animal, and i believe that Dr Hutchins has the best answer in his book.
“Olde booke f. Other Wuduldy Monsteres”
-In the beginning, God created the earth. After a few million years, he got bored with his new creation, and decided to hurl a large asteroid at it in order to kill of all life forms and start from scratch. As the dinosaurs perished, the Legged Newt hid under half a mile of rock in an underground city in the west of Norway it had spent centuries building for this exact purpose. They had builder newt, who took care of the mining of the underground city, they had engineer newts who dreamt exactly how it was to be done, and they had worker newts who found and collected all the materials required. Of course, the Legged Newt looked quite different back then. It was a more human shape, and the only thing which it had which we would recognize today as being a part of the Legged Newt family was its every changing scales. Over time, it was realized by the dreamers that the only way to fit the entire of the population into the city was if they were smaller. As they had approximately 3 million years until the asteroid hit, and the city had not even begun to be built, they slightly underestimated the size which it would end up being. Hence the small creature we now know today. Every single Newt was asked to help in the building, and so multiple arms were grown in order to speed the excavation up.
This is a far into the evolution of the Legged Newt i can delve without talking about Quantum Physics, but if you would like to know more, may i recommend my book “Ye Leggedey Newt, Tall Tales o' the Ambitious Creature”.

Now, as i believe that i have fully explained my wonder for these amazing creatures, i must put down this pen and go back to my studies of the Spiderbaby.